Close to Death
I felt stuck. Waking up each day to an immediate mental load from the thought of more hours at my dead-end job was taking a toll on my spiritual and emotional health. I remember almost crawling to the couch after my husband had shut the garage door behind him.
“God, you have got to help me. I can’t do this anymore.”
I was overwhelmed by the number of responsibilities and tasks that were piled up all around my office from years of previous neglect by my predecessors. I felt that my worth was completely tied up in whether or not I managed to turn that monstrous ship around.
You may understand what I say when I say that panic begets panic. As I dwelt on this thing that had kept me in a low mental place for months, my anxiety started to spike. I began to think of all the other areas in my life that were problems looming in my subconscious: the messy closet, the unfinished edit I had promised, the feeling that I was already failing as a young wife, the days (and weeks) I had gone without hearing from God...You know the drill. Our minds are experts at building up scenarios and emotions until we feel utterly alone, overwhelmed, and hopeless.
That day on the couch, my prayer was not for God to fix the situations for me. No, I was too far into fear for that. My prayer was, “God, help me breathe. Keep me alive today. Calm my fears. Give me peace.”
Immediately, because we serve a faithful and powerful God, I felt my breathing return to normal. My thoughts came a little closer to rationality, and I began to take another look at what was causing my panic.
I desperately pleaded with God to help me do my part in these areas, to help me get my work done, bring order to my home, and see clearly what steps needed to be taken to clean up the mess I was saddled with--and I believe that He did. Day by day, the weight was being lifted. Little by little, I felt my help. I went to work and was able to slowly put a system in place. Later, I was able to reach out for support, and I know that was only by the grace of God.
He Remembers
During my morning devotion a few days later, I came across a verse that changed everything for me.
“For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust” (Ps. 103:14 KJV).
He remembers that we are dust.
When I think I have to jump over the moon in order to feel successful, so I run and work myself to exhaustion only to fall at His feet in surrender...
He remembers that we are dust.
When you beat yourself up over past mistakes until you feel like God could never accept you again...
He remembers that we are dust.
He remembers that we don’t have the infinite knowledge, wisdom, and ability that He possesses. He remembers that we are flawed from conception, perfect in His sight, but bound to a sinful flesh for all our days on earth.
So, it’s going to be okay. Things will never be perfectly in order and easy on this fallen earth, but God will help you. He is not standing above you with a whip, waiting to bring it crashing down on your head when you make a mistake.
He remembers that we are dust.
Sometimes we just need to remember that He is “merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy" (Ps. 103:8 KJV).
