Rejoice not against me, O mine enemy: when I fall, I shall arise; when I sit in darkness, the Lord shall be a light unto me.
(Micah 7:8, KJV)
Dear Enemy of My Soul:
It has been many years since we've talked--actually, you talked and I listened--but I have felt your presence hover near in dark moments of my life. I’m not sure why you’ve stayed around. Maybe you lingered to watch for weakness so you could rush back in to finish the job. Perhaps it was to gloat over every sorrow and disappointment I faced, like watching stones crumble from a fortress wall until it succumbs to total collapse. An ever-captive audience watching the stage of my life . . .
I feel the subtle rapping on my heart’s door and I know it’s you, persistent and unrelenting in your pursuit to gain entrance to the most protected part of my existence. Full of rage because you no longer have access to my heart, you attempt to chip away at its foundation, hoping to break down my resistance.
But I know your tactics. I've been your victim before and I never plan to subject myself to your control again.
I often wonder how I allowed myself to be sabotaged in the first place. It’s not like your tactics weren’t obvious: trip her up with a guilt session, dangle the same temptations in front of her that she always falls for, throw a dart of self-doubt in her path . . . you know, the usual. Your methods are so predictable but effective. That’s why I keep my heart and mind on guard. It really should be easy for me, being that you tend to come at me from the same angle.
Not to mention that I see you using the same tricks on almost everyone around me. When I think about it, you don’t have much innovation, do you?
So, I just wanted to drop a line as a kind of “No Vacancy” sign. Because I know you’re already ramping up for your next approach. I could categorize them perfectly:
“Oh, is it time for the old You’re Worthless rock to the back of the head again? Ah, good one. I see you’ve rolled out the Why Does Everything Go Wrong for Me? stone.” If I had thought to collect all those rocks, I could’ve used them to repair the breaches in the walls I had built against you.
But I’m not the same woman I was a few years ago, even days ago. I’ve learned to use God’s Word for rebuttals and, through daily prayer, my fortress has become stronger. When your arrows of self-doubt and anxiety soar toward me, I’m becoming more skillful at thwarting them with my shield of faith. And, if one finds its way into my heart, I’m learning to wrench it out – painful as that is – and toss it to the ground. I’m not the strongest and bravest yet, but I’m getting there.
I know you’ll come up with something new eventually, but I will no longer buckle and succumb and raise the white flag of surrender to you. With God’s help, I have a few stones of my own to throw. Honestly, it would only take one. Just ask David.
Regina
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