I was 14 years old and I felt inadequate in every way.
I was far less than I wanted to be as a student, a musician, and a human being, yet there was nothing I could do to control that. As a result, I found the one thing I could control: food.
In my mind, I was never good enough at anything. I constantly compared and competed with others in academics, music, and social situations. I wanted the impossible; I wanted to be the best at everything I did and never fail at anything. Self-hatred was the driving emotion that forced me to starve myself.
After almost a year of harmful behaviors, I reached my lowest weight. At that point, my parents’ tearful pleas and prayers finally began to sink in and I finally understood the self-loathing that had taken over my mind was a sin. I still remember the Sunday night I repented and asked God to take complete control over my life.
Honestly, my road to recovery is an ongoing one. It is something I prayerfully deal with every day because feelings of inadequacy have effects on multiple areas of life, not simply the way one looks or acts. Self-hatred has shown its ugliness in my marriage, causing me to question my worthiness of my husband’s love and affection. It has been present in my ministry, making me believe I’m not good enough to minister to others. It has been a battle in motherhood as I have dealt with guilt and then blame myself for any suffering my child encounters.
God does not just possess love or give love; He is love in its entirety.
However, here is the truth I have come to realize: I am not perfect or the best at everything I do, and yet God loves me despite my imperfections. God is love. Really let that sink in, dear reader. God is love. He does not just possess love or give love, He is love in its entirety, in its purest form, in its natural state. He loves you; He loves me. To not only have that realization but also to accept His love is the key to recovery from depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and any type of spiritual oppression.
We live in a world where we are bombarded with images and messages of what we should and should not be on a constant basis. So when you have had your fill of the media’s mixed messages, when you feel like you don’t measure up, instead of taking it out on yourself, turn to God’s Word for encouragement. Open your heart to Him, and allow love to infiltrate the spaces hatred can so easily fill.